Hindi Songs & Programming Constructs

The Hindi Song Lovers Guide to Programming in FORTRAN 90
ISBN … 12340-007

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10 The IF GO TO statement

Koi jab tumhara hriday toRde
TaRapta hua jab koi chhoRde
Tab tum mere paas aana priyay
Mera dar khula hai, khula hi rahega
Tumhare lie, koi jab tumhara…………………………..(Mukesh)

20 The DO loop

Sau saal pehle, mujhe tumse pyaar tha
Mujhe tumse pyaar tha
Aaj bhi hai, aur kal bhi rahega
Sadion se tujhse milne, jiya beqarar tha
Jiya beqarar tha
Aaj bhi hai, aur kal bhi rahega…………………………(Rafi/Lata)

The IF THEN ELSE statement
(in 2 songs for the novice)

30 IF THEN

Tum agar saath dene ka waada karo
Main yunhi mast naGHme luta-ta rahun
Tum mujhe dekhkar muskurati raho
Main tumhe dekhkar geet gaata rahun
Tum agar saath dene ka……………………………………(Kapoor)

40 ELSE

Tu na mili to hum jogi ban jaenge, tu na mili to
Tu na mili to hum jogi ban jaenge, tu na mili to han
Saari umariya ko rogi ban jaenge, tu na mili to
Tu na mili to hum jogi ban jaenge, tu na mili to…………….(KK)

The IF THEN ELSE statement
(in 1 song for the advanced user)

50 IF THEN

Tum agar mujhko na chaaho to koi baat nahin

ELSE

Magar kisi aur ko chaahogi to mushkil hogi…………………….(Mukesh)

60 The CALL statement

Aaaja, aaja, aaaja, aaaaaaja
Tujhko pukare mera pyaar, hoe
Tujhko pukare mera pyaar
Aaja, main to miTa hun tere pyaar me
Tujhko pukare mera pyaar
Tujhko pukare mera pyaar…………………………………..(Rafi)

70 The WHILE DO Statement

Jab tak rahe tan me jiya
Waada raha O saathia
Hum tumhare lie, tum humare lie
Ho, hum tumhare lie, tum humare lie
Jab tak rahe tan me jiya……………………………………(Asha)

The Mukesh fan corollary: For every IMAGINABLE situation, there
exists at least one REAL Mukesh song which can be sung in your
REAL world.

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The return statement

aa laut ke aaja mere meet
tujhe mere geet bulaate hain
mera soona padare sangeet
tujhe mere geet bulaate hain…

aa ab laut chale, nain bichhaye,
bahen basaye,
tujhko pukaare, desh tera…

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Procedure call

aaja re ab mera dil pukaara
ro ro ke gham bhi haara
badnaam na ho pyar mera, aaja re…

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free() /* delete useless memory */

bhooli hui yaadon mujhe itna na sataao
ab chain se rehne do, mere paas na aao…

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realloc() /* reallocate pre-used memory! */

aaya hai mujhe phir yaad wo zaalim
gujra zamaanaa bachpan ka
hai re akeyle chhod ke jaana…

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Interrupt sub-routine

o jaane wale ho sake to laut ke aana
ye ghaat, tu ye baat kabhi bhool na jana
o jaane wale ho sake to laut ke aana…

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function prototype declaration, as in:
chalna *chhaliya (character hindu, muslim, sikh, isahi)

chhaliya mera naam, chalna mera kaam
hindu, muslim, sikh, isahi sab ko mera salaam…

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exit(), suspend

Ruk jaa o jaane waali ruk jaa
main to raahi tere manzil kaa
nazron mein teri main buraa sahi
aadmi buraa nahin main dil kaa…

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for(;;), the infinite loop

hum tum, yug yug se ye geet milan ke
gaate rahe hain, gaate rahenge
hum tum…

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[remote login:] tumse kuchh kehna hai,
gar tum kuch kehne do
[Permission granted:] aji bole binaa hum jaane,
rahne do ji rahne do
[Connection established] tumse kuchh kehna hai,
gar tum kuch kehne do…

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getchar() /* get character */

ye to kaho, kaun ho tum, kaun ho tum ?
mujhe poochhe bina dil mein aane lage
meethi nazaron se bijli giraane lage
ye to kaho, kaun ho tum, kaun ho tum…

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volatile variable

main raahi bhatakne waala hoon
koi kya jaane matwaalaa hoon…

extern variable

mera joota hai jaapaani
ye patloon inglistaani
sar pe laal topi rusi
phir bhi dil hai hindustaani…

static/local variable

Jeena yahaan, marna yahaan
iske siwa jaana kahan
jee chaahe jab humko aawaaz do
hum hain wahin, hum the jahaan…

complex variable

jaaon kahaan bataa ae dil
duniya badi hai sangdil
chaandni aayi ghar jalaane
soojhe na koi manzil…

Unnatural Laws

MURPHY’S LAW
If anything can go wrong, it will.

O’TOOL’S COMMENTARY ON MURPHY’S LAW
Murphy was an optimist.

THE UNSPEAKABLE LAW
As soon as you mention something ….

… if it’s good, it goes away … if it’s bad, it happens.

NONRECIPROCAL LAWS OF EXPECTATIONS
Negative expectations yield negative results. Positive expectations yield negative results.

HOWE’S LAW
Every man has a scheme that will not work.

ZYMURGY’S FIRST LAW OF EVOLVING SYSTEMS DYNAMICS
Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use alarger can.

ETORRE’S OBSERVATION
The other line moves faster.

SKINNER’S CONSTANT (FLANAGAN’S FINAGLING FACTOR)
That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to, or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you should have got.

MURPHY’S LAW OF SELECTIVE GRAVITY
An object will fall so as to do the most damage.

JENNING’S COROLLARY TO MURPHY’S LAW OF SELECTIVE GRAVITY
The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

GORDON’S FIRST LAW
If a research project is not worth doing at all, it is not worth doing well.

MAIER’S LAW
If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.

HOARE’S LAW OF LARGE PROBLEMS
Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.

BOREN’S FIRST LAW
When in doubt, mumble.

THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES
Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

BARTH’S DISTINCTION
There are two types of people: those who divide people into two types, and those who don’t

SEGAL’S LAW
A man with one watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure.

THE NINETY-NINETY RULE OF PROJECT SCHEDULES
The first 90 % of the task takes 90 % of the time, and the last 10 % takes the other 90 %

FARBER’S FOURTH LAW
Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.

Hunting an Elephant

DIFFERENT STRATEGIES

MATHEMATICIANS
hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.

EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS
will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise.

PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS
will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.

COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:

1. Go to Africa.
   
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
   
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent
   

alternately east and west.

1. During each traverse pass,
   
   • Catch each animal seen.
     
   • Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
     
   • Stop when a match is detected.
     

   
   

EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS
modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.

ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS
prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.

ENGINEERS
hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.

ECONOMISTS
don’t hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.

STATISTICIANS
hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.

CONSULTANTS
don’t hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do. OPERATIONS RESEARCH CONSULTANTS can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.

POLITICIANS
don’t hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.

LAWYERS
don’t hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings. SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.

VICE PRESIDENTS OF ENGINEERING, RESEARCH, AND DEVELOPMENT
try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely prehunted before the vice president sees them.

However, if the vice president still notices a non-prehunted elephant,
the staff will:

1. compliment the vice president’s keen eyesight and
   
2. enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.
   

SENIOR MANAGERS

set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.

QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS
ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.

SALES PEOPLE
don’t hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven’t caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.

SOFTWARE SALES PEOPLE
ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.

HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE
catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop elephants.

-Kim E. Lumbard